I couldn’t possibly have said it any better and so, I won’t even try. Thanks, NRR, for getting it so perfectly right.
Originally posted on Netflix Russian Roulette:
The Twilight Saga - Catherine “I’m Actually a Real Filmmaker” Hardwicke (Dir.), Chris “You Killed The Golden Compass” Weitz (Dir.), David “30 Days of Suck” Slade (Dir.), Bill “Awkward Last Name” Condon (Dir.), Kristen “Lip-bite Extraordinaire” Stewart, Robert “Herp Derp” Pattinson, Taylor “The Alpaca” Lautner, Peter “Sickle Cell Anemia Affects Millions of People” Facinelli, Billy “The Stache” Burke, Ashley “Nosejob” Greene, Michael “FUCK YES” Sheen, Dakota “SPOILERS – She Gets Decapitated” Fanning, Anna “She Was Nominated for an Oscar, Seriously” Kendrick, etc., etc.
This, my friends, is the end of an era. It is a happy day. As the world is about to come to an end on December 21st, as the flood waters rise over Manhattan, as Twinkies go the way of heavily preserved dodos, The Twilight Saga puts its final, indelible, grotesque mark on the greater collective consciousness of a generation. What would have happened if the world had ended and I didn’t find out if Bells and Eddie fucked like a pair of pallid bunnies? What if I hadn’t found out how many times Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt? What if I hadn’t learned how fucking stupid a name like ‘Renesme’ actually is? But now, humanity, I can go to my Mayan apocalypse happy because, and I am completely serious right here, I watched a CGI wolf rip Dakota Fanning’s head from her body.
As you might have guessed from everything I have ever written ever and the general tone of that last paragraph, I am not a fan of the Twilight Saga. That’s a slight understatement. Twilight is, for all intents and purposes, my greatest enemy. My kryptonite. My arch nemesis. The Dr. Evil to my Austin Powers, the skin to my soup, the hangnail to my finger, the cramp to my foot, the fat hand to my Pringle can, the eyelash stuck under my fucking eyelid for hours that refuses to remove itself no matter how many times I excuse myself for looking either tired or crying. Let’s get this out of the way. Put on your serious face. I am a true believer in gender equality in all aspects of life. I do not believe, in this modern world, that there are any reasons why women and men cannot have exactly the same career and life opportunities nor do I believe that fulfillment in life comes from falling hopelessly and desperately in love. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t and that it isn’t a beautiful and wonderful thing…but a woman serving a man in the home isn’t, to me, the ‘natural order of things’. I do not believe men should be placed on pedestals and admired. I don’t believe women should be either. I completely admonish any created work that reinforces such outdated and infuriating stereotypes and I especially despise ones that get every girl on the face of the fucking planet to swoon at the very sound of the name ‘Edward’ and incorporate a female main character with about as much agency in the plot as a piece of rotting roadkill.