You Go To Hell and You DIE.

*Advance warning: Unless you’re a follower of the HBO series Entourage, the following post will seem like the ramblings of a bitter old crone.  Although, it probably will anyways, regardless of your viewing experience.*


Screw you, Entourage.


With one episode left, I’m going to predict how it’s all going to go down this Sunday night (blissfully ending this series that I used to love, and now only tune into because I’ve watched from the beginning, so I feel like I have no other choice – yeah, I have problems).  My Entourage series finale prophecies:

  •  E and Sloan are going to reconcile and live happily ever after with their baby.  Oh seriously, GAG ME!  Why can’t they just break the fuck up already?!  They never had good chemistry anyway and HE IS BANGING HER EX-STEPMOTHER.  But ah yes, writers, throw in a baby, that’s an easy way to make everybody believe they have to get back together.  And what the hell, Sloan just doesn’t use birth control apparently??  It always amazes me when people who don’t want to get preggers somehow end up that way.
  • Turtle (now a millionaire, jesus christ) will begin setting up his restaurant.  I can’t be venomous towards the Turtle-man, he was never a mean or offensive character, but he was always kind of bumbling, and he thought he SOLD his shares of Avion (a Turtle thing to do), but of course, Vince kept them without telling.  So he bumbles into millionaire-ism, courtesy of Vince, AND will get to have his restaurant.
  • Drama’s gonna start working on his animated show AND the made-for-TV movie that Vince hooked him up with.  Not because of his own talents or work ethic, of course.  Even the fucking shitty script that Vince scribbled was taken over by Billy Walsh and rewritten.  These guys don’t do a GODDAMNED THING.  I was really hoping that Dice wouldn’t fuck everything up and Drama would not flush their supposedly awesome cartoon down the drain; I wanted to see him man up and be humble, work for a year and then re-sign his contract, but NO.  Having hardly done ANY WORK AT ALL, let’s go on strike to make more.  And have it work.  And then, the people you piss off will still end up giving you MORE MOVIES because your brother is charming (and gave 100 Gs to a charity).  Drama has always pissed me off and this season is no disappointment in that department.
  • Ari and Mrs. Ari are going to reconcile. (barf) I am having a REALLY hard time with this one.  I always liked the fact that Ari was truly in love with his whole family, even if he did always put work before the lot of them, but it MAKES SENSE for Mrs. Ari to be like, fuck this shit, I’m out.  Her fling was a tad ridiculous (Even though I love me some Bobby Flay on the Food Network, he is a piss-poor actor), but we’ve had to sit through all her tortuous marriage counseling sessions – you’re going to honestly tell us, as an audience, that she has changed her mind?  Plus, I LOVE Ari+Dana.  They work and fit together really well.  Of course the 40-year old, gorgeous, successful singleton will get screwed over, and the domineering ass-man will prevail.  50+% of marriages end in divorce.  In no logical universe would the Gold’s stay together.
  • Vince is gonna either get engaged or get married suddenly to the reporter who should know better than to touch him with a ten-foot pole, except that he “just knows” that “she’s the one”, and he’s gotta “go get her.”  Ugh.  Reverse the genders and the go-getter would be a stalker like in Swimfan or All About Steve, and it certainly wouldn’t end happily.  Of course, the smart, sophisticated reporter is going to be won-over by him.  I always want to gag on my own vomit when people talk about “just knowing” after they met somebody for 5 minutes.  If this bitch is so smart and savvy, and “refuses” to date actors, why will she give this slag a chance?  It annoys me that after years of being a lame party douche/slut, Vince is going to end up with some amazing woman.  He should have OD’d last season.  Yeah, I said it.

I know it’s a fake show about some lucky Hollywood bastards, but I really wish it could have ended with at least a TEENY dose of reality for at LEAST ONE CAST MEMBER.  What’s even gaggier is to imagine the writers, directors, and actors all high-fiving each other and going on and on about how the show is ending on such a positive note, and all the characters have grown, etc., etc., commence projectile vomit.  Maybe I’m wrong, and my predictions won’t come true.  I highly doubt it though.  These guys have always gotten everything they ever wanted, why would the flipping series finale be any exception????



5 thoughts on “You Go To Hell and You DIE.

  1. First, I LOVE the title of this post. Fantastic.
    Second, totally agree with your E & Sloan sentiments. Seriously. WTF. When did they become so melodramatic?? They used to be so cute and fun to watch, and their back & forth was entertaining. Now it’s just all too much. AND REALLY, A BABY?! Just kill me now. Really.

    • lolllzzzz thank you for agreeing with my insane sentiments!!!! Did you watch the finale??? I hated all of it except what they ended up doing with Ari. The way it was done surprised me, and I found myself begrudgingly going “awwww.” *kicks self* Otherwise, I stand by this post a billion %. 🙂

  2. You are killing me….unfortunately you hit the nail on the head. I think that E will follow Sloan to NY and separate from the boy clan. But everything else you are right my friend. It was freakin hilarious when Ari called Bobby a “fire crotch”…I will be glad when it is all over!!!

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