If I were a piano player, I’d play it in the goddam closet

I’ve recently decided that the self-talk that goes on in my head is quite reminiscent of one Holden Caulfield.  What does this say about me?  Who knows, except that I think all kinds of bizarro things, pretty much all day long.  Welcome to a day inside my brain (you may want out fairly quickly) . . .

  • Open bottles of Extra Strength Tylenol and Ext...

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  • The department I work in has different “areas’, and you’re assigned a certain spot (usually) for the week.  This week, my assigned duties have me in a room the size of your average McMansion’s laundry room, with no windows, a biological safety cabinet making shitloads of noise in my ear, a -20°C freezer that runs EVERY OTHER FIVE MINUTES FOR A FULL FIVE MINUTES and is slowly making me deaf, along with several chairs all within a few feet of each other at different counters, so I feel like some sort of fucked up retarded ant, going from one chair to the next, listening to the running of all this machinery – it’s like the goddamned Clockwork Orange and I’m slowly going completely fucking insane.  Left alone with my thoughts, the blaring exhaust fans and motors, and all the human fibroblast cells – the perfect recipe for my brain to malfunction and give you this post.
  • Have you ever smelled somebody’s breath who is sitting near you, and it makes you fearful for your own personal health and well-being?  Welcome to my morning coffee-break experience.
  • I’m one of those people who feel like everybody’s staring at me ALL THE TIME, and as much as I want to believe it’s all in my head, IT’S NOT.  Today, as I was walking into Target, a woman was walking out and she stared me down, like right into my EYEBALLS, for the entire 8-10 seconds it took us to cross each others paths.  What the fuck.  I almost went in to the restroom to see if there was something on my face.  Why does this happen to me?  I wish (sometimes) that every moment of life could be videotaped, just so I’d have concrete evidence of this crap.
  • How come when a movie comes on TV that I already freaking own, I feel like I have to watch it?  Like, it’s special that it’s being broadcast through the airwaves – it makes me feel more connected to society.  How fucking depressing is that, that I think this?  Case in point: I turn on HBO this evening just as Deathly Hallows, Pt. 1 is starting, and while my own personal copy is on a shelf five feet away, I suddenly must sit here and watch it.  Any time a network airs something classic like Sound of Music, It’s A Wonderful Life, Wizard of Oz – I MUST WATCH, or at least have them on in the background.  And it’s not just the pure love of the movies, it’s the feeling that I’m watching right along with everyone else.  Throwing the disc in makes me feel closed off.  *Nutso*
  • Not to sound like a life-hating bitch, (so here I go!) but I’m sick to DEATH of reading about everybody being so blessed and excited and thrilled about their lives on the dreaded and gets-worse-by-the-day facebook.  Look, I’m happy for you that you’re “so thrilled to have a FANTASTIC job in this harsh economy!”, or “so BLESSED to have a hubby who is SUCH A GREAT PROVIDER and lets me stay home with our babies!” – (real statuses I’ve been accosted with today), but what is it that you hope to gain by putting that on facebook?  What do you want people to “comment”?  That they’re happy for you?  That they wish the same for themselves?  EITHER WAY it’s disgusting, and I know I’m not alone in hating this kind of behavior, but after being alone at work all day in the closet of misery, I simply do not have the emotional wherewithal to blow it off.  I’m really trying to fight off the urge to start posting things I am “blessed” with:  “Dog peed on the carpet again!!  SOOO lucky and blessed!”  “Gained another 3 pounds! Lovin’ life!!!”  Ugh.  I can’t handle the masturbatory-ness of it all.  Do I update my status?  Yes.  With the honeybadger video and a mini-rant about how I feel bad for DirecTV being made to look like the bad guy when it’s NewsCorp. who is evil.  Spoiler alert:  Is the fact that I have a blog masturbatory?  I guess.  Don’t mess with me today.

Hallelujah!  Holy shit!  Where’s the Tylenol?



7 thoughts on “If I were a piano player, I’d play it in the goddam closet

  1. I really appreciated your nod towards Clark Griswold’s classic insane blow up. My personal favorite part of the movie. “Gained another 3 pounds, loving life!”….sometimes I just want to post shit like…maybe if my job wasn’t a hell hole, I wouldn’t be on pills!!!!!!! Lets see how facebook’s sunshine shitters react to that 🙂 I also hate…the ambivalent post. EX: “thinking about things……..” GET A FREAKING LIFE. NO ONE CARES. and P.S…I could give a rat’s ass about anyones stupid kids. And the word “provider” is completely foreign to me. What a freak of nature that person must be!

  2. Masturbatory?? I LOVE your brain!! You can take all the angst, bullshit, surreality of life and daily madness…pound them on the fires of hell to form a razor edged weapon of outrage!!! You rant against life in a manner I can only dream of achieving. I love the images of myself standing in the middle of Target screaming, “STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!” You have attained goddess status in my life here in middle earth. I LOVE YOU, MAN!!!

  3. “masturbatory-ness” sounds a lot like a post I encounter at least 3 times a week that goes a lil sumthin like this: “**insert some assholes name here** just ran 10 miles today and beat their own personal best”. You’ve got to be kidding me only you give a shit.

    I found a website with a bunch of uber cheesy 80’s and 90’s anti-drug slogans and those have been my status updates fro the past two weeks.


  4. Oh also my favorite Holden quote: “I thought what I’d do was, I’d pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn’t have to have any goddam stupid useless conversations with anybody.”

  5. Perhaps this is just a testament to my own mental instability but I did not find this post nearly as frightful as I thought I would. And dude, JUST GIVE UP FACEBOOK. JUST STOP LOGGING IN. IT’S WHAT I DO. AND I AM A HAPPIER PERSON BECAUSE OF IT. JUST DON’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED ANYMORE. JUST STOP. IT WILL HELP.

  6. I totally agree with the TV movie thing. I don’t know what the compulsion is, if I already own the movie, but I just have to sit down and watch it on TV or I’ll be missing out. Or at least have it on, in the background. Totally feel ya there.
    love the post!!

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