I Am All That I’ll Ever Be

I read this quote recently in a book borrowed from a friend:

“You know how every now and then, you have a moment where your whole life stretches out ahead of you like a forked road, and even as you choose one path you’ve got your eyes on the other the whole time, certain that you’re making a mistake?”

I’m not really into the book but that line resonated with me because recently (about 6 months ago) I made a decision concerning my career that I feel was the best option available to me and yet I am certain it will lead to a life I don’t want.  Does that make any sense?  I don’t want to get into specifics and without doing so, it’s hard to fully explain, but let me just say this: never before have I felt this certain that my ideal life (a life of creativity and prolific, successful writing) is within my grasp and I am terrified that I’ll waste so much time being consumed with the daily demands of my existence that the window will close and then this will be it for me.  Forever.

And yet I can’t bring myself to risk losing what I’ve already got by chasing down this dream of mine.  I have no idea if I’ll regret this 30 years from now but today, I ask you: what would you risk for the life of your dreams, for the absolute ideal, the life you would hand pick, if possible?  And if you never attained it, but gave it your all, and ended up with nothing, would it be worth the chase?

I’ve never been able to risk losing my independence (in the form of financial security) in the pursuit of this dream.  I need the peace of mind that accompanies a steady paycheck.  Does that make me sensible, or a sell-out?  Practical?  Or just a huge pussy?

Who out there knows what I’m talking about?

~N.

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One thought on “I Am All That I’ll Ever Be

  1. Nik, you are not a pussy you are a beautiful, responsible and intelligent woman. You worked hard for your degree and your using it to its fullest. You should pursue your dreams but not at the expense of your job, not yet anyway, but hopefully that day will come. I know how you strive for things you are passionate about and I believe you will succeed. Have faith in yourself because Dad and I have the utmost faith in you. Your a gem of a daughter and person, don’t ever change. We love you just the way you are. I love reading everything you write even if I don’t get it all. Keep writing!!!!
    I love you baby, Mom

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