What can I say about Ted? Had it not been written and directed (and, therefore, financially backed) by Seth MacFarlane, no fucking way would it have ever become a feature film. I’ll bet MacFarlane got the idea for the story when he was 10 years old. I’d like to waste as little time on the plot as possible, so here goes… John Bennet is an 8 year-old social pariah who receives a stuffed teddy bear for Christmas. Lonely and friendless, he makes a desperate wish for his bear, aptly named Teddy, to come to life so that he could have a real friend forever. Magically, of course, his wish is granted and Teddy is very lively animated when he awakes the next morning. Flash forward 27 years and Johnny Bennet is now a 35 year-old manchild working at a car rental agency and spending his free time watching ’80s reruns and smoking weed with his bff, Ted. Oh, and somehow he managed to land the steamily sexy VP of a powerful PR agency, Lori (Mila Kunis). Ted, who became something of a B-list celebrity during John’s formative years, is devoted to his best bud but inadvertently holds him back from growing into an emotionally healthy and responsible adult. Which, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, is where the supposed conflict comes in. Lori wants Ted to move out so that John can stop being a slacker but John finds it difficult to sever the tie to the only friend he’s ever had. Oh, and there’s a weird and hilarious subplot involving Giovanni Ribisi as a freak of nature who tries to buy Ted from John for his own chubby freak of nature kid. I won’t give away the ending but I will say there’s nothing terribly surprising to it.
This movie would not have worked were it not for Seth MacFarlane. There is no plot to speak of, the whole story is as simple and stupid and predictable as something a small child would write. But, due to the comedic timing and the I-don’t-give-a-fuck audacity of MacFarlane, it actually kind of works. I have long been a fan of MacFarlane’s profane and offensive style of humor. Were I not, I’m not sure that I would have enjoyed Ted as much as I did. MacFarlane, in true Seth MacFarlane manner, makes jokes at the expense of nearly every ethnic minority as well as women (especially women from Boston), fat people, and homosexuals. If you are not of the nature to find humor in racial, gender or sexuality issues, this flick may not be for you. But you probably already knew that.
Not that all the jokes were controversial. Dick and fart jokes littered the whole film as did many a sharp pop culture zinger. If you were alive during the ’80s, you’ll appreciate the slew of hilarious ’80s references, including (but not limited to) Sam Jones, Tom Skerritt and Tiffany. Oh, and I don’t want to give it away, but should you decide to see Ted, you will witness the best non-speaking 30-second cameo ever. EVER.
Mark Wahlberg, admittedly, had decent chemistry with the CGI bear voiced by none other than Seth MacFarlane himself. But seriously, it’s a good thing he’s pretty because that man cannot act. Fortunately for him, this role didn’t ask a whole lot from him. It didn’t ask a whole lot from anyone, actually. Which is sort of part of its charm. It’s an hour and a half of pure goofball, profane and outrageous hilarity. Expect nothing else and I think you’ll enjoy it.