Five Vampires Who Would Kick The Ever Loving Sh*t Out Of Edward Cullen

I recently rewatched the 2011 remake of the 1985 cult hit Fright Night and felt amazed (again) at how different, yet delightful Colin Farrell’s version of Jerry the vampire was from Chris Sarandon’s original.  In honor of that bad-ass fanged villain, I thought I’d compile a quick list of just a handful of other vampires who would rip Edward “forever-trapped-in-teen-angst” Cullen’s wimpy dead heart out.

1. Jerry the Vampire, Fright Night (1985; 2011): Obviously, the inspiration for this post deserves the top spot.  Whether you prefer the sleek and smoldering bloodsucker Sarandon gave us or Farrell’s more animalistic, even sadistic creature of the night, both would wipe Edward and his hippie “vegetarian” family off the grid.

2. Dracula, Dracula (1992) : many have attempted this role but none have owned it like Gary Oldman.  Seriously, who else could morph from young, passionate husband to ancient, decrepit vampire to young lover to wolf to demon straight from the fires of hell in just two hours? Though each transformation brought with it its own characteristics and certainly its own look, Oldman managed to maintain a mournful, restless spirit – far superior to the testosterone-driven vampires of late.

3. David, The Lost Boys (1987): I love me some ’80s Kiefer Sutherland and his manipulative punk-ass vampire David entertained me to no end back in the day.  Though barely older than a teenager at the time, Sutherland’s portrayal of the lost soul was cunning, wicked and artful, like a cat toying with the dumb bird whose head it’s about to rip off.

4. Marlow, 30 Days Of Night (2007): along with every other member of the nonverbal, bloodthirsty tribe who attacked the frozen town of Barrow, Alaska immediately after the sunset that would last 30 full days and nights, just looked scary.  Danny Huston rocked the role of leader of the pack.  His vampire is a true predator to humans – cold, calculating and remorseless.

5. Abby, Let Me In (2010): Chloe Grace Moretz balanced that blend of child-like innocence with a veiled pernicious nature perfectly.  She may look every bit the innocuous little girl, but she could take down the biggest, toughest of men, let alone sensitive, hormonal pseudo-vampires.

Man, I love an evil vampire.



Something Evil’s Lurking In The Dark

I got to tell you: this wasn’t easy for me.  I loved, I mean LOVED, the original Fright Night.  Nostalgia aside, it’s quite the enjoyable horror flick.  Rife with teenage angst, smoldering sexual tension, gory blood-sucking violence and plenty of sharp, albeit silly, humor.  Not to mention Chris Sarandon, arguably the greatest vampire of the 80s.  So when I heard they were doing a remake, I filled with a mix of conflicting emotions.  Among them: excitement, anxiety, even dread.  That’s right.  Dread of that vile, over-the-top, melodramatic rewrite that has ruined the memory of the original for thousands.  The fact that Colin Farrell and Anton Yelchin were cast in the two lead roles did offer some hope, but still, there are no guarantees.

Now that I’ve seen it (in 3D no less), I feel a weight has been lifted.  Not only did it not taint my beloved memory of the 1985 cult classic, it may have even enhanced it.  Because they changed enough (by that I mean, a lot) to have originality but kept the best parts of what made the OG work in the first place.  It’s funny, creepy, occasionally sexy and, by and large, entertaining.  There are some holes, some changes I wasn’t wild about, but overall, I liked it.  Yelchin continues to prove he’s an actor to watch (that’s right, Charlie Bartlett, y’all) and Christopher Mintz-Plasse gave the character of Evil Ed an entirely different spin.  I admit I found the former Evil Ed a more likable character but it was a relief to see him creatively altered and not just a regurgitated version of the original.  Plus, I’m totally in the minority when it comes to the guy Stephen Geoffreys played.

I was most impressed by Colin Farrell’s portrayal of Jerry the vampire.  Chris Sarandon rocked this character so wonderfully, so scarily and sexily and with such intensity, and at times so venomously, I had my doubts about Farrell as his replacement.  Look, I adored Colin Farrell in In Bruges, but to be a vampire who is intoxicatingly sexy one minute and make-you-crap-your-pants frightening the next?  I just wasn’t sold.  That is, until I actually sat down and watched it.  His Jerry was different, for sure, but it worked.  He was at first charming and studly, then creepy and intimidating, then pure, wrathful evil that seemed a force impossible to defeat.

For me, the only real disappointment was David Tennant as Peter Vincent.  I loved all the changes to the character and his story and Tennant gave a decent enough performance (though, once or twice, it seemed he tried a little too hard to channel Russell Brand) but the new Vincent just wasn’t the major player he was in the ’85 flick.  He came into the film kind of late and his awesome, weapon-riddled apartment played a more vital role than he did.  Not a major complaint, just something that could have been better.

The best part (in my opinion) is that watching either the 2011 version or the 1985 original will not in any way spoil the other for anyone interested in seeing both.  They’re equally entertaining flicks, each with enough originality to be seen not as different tellings of the same story, but as individual awesome scary movie viewing experiences.  Word.


You’re Just A Step On the Boss Man’s Ladder

Horrible Bosses is a consistently funny, harebrained, and slightly frustrating comedy from a lot of people who have made a lot of things you probably like.  A lot.

A group of three friends, Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudeikis, all suffer the misery that most of us endure on a never-ending, constant basis (although, probably without the super bad drugs and homicide):  They despise the shit out of their bosses, who are each suffering from severe mental issues ranging from sociopathy, psychosis, nyphomania, and being a ginormous cokehead.  The buddies get the brilliant idea to exterminate all three of the crazy f***ers, and it’s to the writers’ credit that this is handled in an organic way, making it seem (almost) not that crazy.  Let’s just move past the fact that I find it “not that crazy”….

Needless to say, madcap, hair-brained lunacy ensues (this is the kind of movie where you want to pull your hair out over the stupid mistakes everyone is making – don’t leave your DNA at the crime scene, moron!  Don’t drop your f***ing cell phone!), but the plot had a few twists that actually surprised me.  The director, Seth Gordon, has a resume of some awesome stuff (NBC comedies Parks and Recreation, The Office), along with Four Christmases, which is the complete and total opposite of awesome, but also The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, which is completely awesome.  So, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect, and this falls somewhere in between those two realms.  It’s not crazy awesome, but isn’t crazy bad, either.

One of the main reasons this film works is because of the cast.  Each of our fearless heroes plays to their strengths, i.e. the same kind of character they usually play:  Bateman – the frazzled straight man, Sudeikis – the sarcastic man-child, and Day – Charlie from Sunny with better hygiene and a higher IQ.  But that’s fine, because these guys do these guys SO DAMN WELL.  As for the bosses – oh my, the bosses.  Jennifer Aniston gets to step outside of her usual comfort zone of being the bland lead in a romantic comedy bomb to become a batshit nympho.  She utters phrases that would have made Rachel Green weep with shame.  The always majorly badass Kevin Spacey really gets into this one, playing a COMPLETE dick/jerk/evil, evil asshole, who is quite open about making Bateman’s life a living hell.  Colin Farrell is the spoiled, entitled son of Sudeikis’s employer, who inherits his dad’s business but only wants to bang hookers, do tons of drugs, and fire everyone.  And I haven’t even mentioned Jamie Foxx’s “hitman” MotherF***er Jones.

This was no Bridesmaids, but it certainly holds its own in a landscape littered with scraps like Bad Teacher and Your Highness.  The sturdy writing and chemistry-rific cast make up for a slightly flimsy story, even if that’s part of Bosses’ charm.