I couldn’t possibly have said it any better and so, I won’t even try. Thanks, NRR, for getting it so perfectly right.


Netflix Russian Roulette

The Twilight Saga Catherine “I’m Actually a Real Filmmaker” Hardwicke (Dir.), Chris “You Killed The Golden Compass” Weitz (Dir.), David “30 Days of Suck” Slade (Dir.), Bill “Awkward Last Name” Condon (Dir.), Kristen “Lip-bite Extraordinaire” Stewart, Robert “Herp Derp” Pattinson, Taylor “The Alpaca” Lautner, Peter “Sickle Cell Anemia Affects Millions of People” Facinelli, Billy “The Stache” Burke, Ashley “Nosejob” Greene, Michael “FUCK YES” Sheen, Dakota “SPOILERS – She Gets Decapitated” Fanning, Anna “She Was Nominated for an Oscar, Seriously” Kendrick, etc., etc.

This, my friends, is the end of an era. It is a happy day. As the world is about to come to an end on December 21st, as the flood waters rise over Manhattan, as Twinkies go the way of heavily preserved dodos, The Twilight Saga puts its final, indelible, grotesque mark on the greater collective consciousness of a generation. What would have happened if the world…

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Snow White’s Stitching Up the Circuitboard

I had some misconceptions about Snow White and the Huntsman going in, namely that it was going to be a lower-budget ho-hum modern revisioning of a classic fairy tale. Why did I assume this, despite the fact that commercials promised a lush visual experience? Because it looked like it was for teens and starred Kristen Stewart. I was thinking this would have the look and feel of the usually visually shoddy Twilight films, or 2011’s horrid Red Riding Hood. You can imagine my shock then, when I discovered Huntsman was a serious big-budget fantasy epic. It looks like The Cell, retold by Disney. It’s even got a fancy score, by Mr. James Newton Howard (And a killer credits track, Breath of Life by Florence + the Machine).

Huntsman stays semi-close to the original Grimm tale – a young Queen pricks her finger, births a gorgeous daughter, dies, the King marries a psycho, and gorgeous daughter grows up to be the fairest creature in all the land. The film opens with the back story, explaining how the evil Queen dupes Snow White’s father into marrying her. For reasons unknown, the Queen, here named Ravenna, played with delicious psychosis and familial disturbance by Charlize Theron, keeps Snow White locked up in a tower, where she still manages to looks stunningly dirty-beautiful, even though she hasn’t seen a bath for years. Ravenna is a deeply troubled soul, with a creepy albino-ish brother, and it’s clear that their childhood has jacked them up for life. Once the mirror, or large golden serving platter, tells Ravenna that Snow White is the most beautiful woman in existence, she sends her brother to fetch her from her prison cell, so her beating heart can be consumed. (Ravenna pops tickers from birds like they’re cherries. Sick, but looked cool. Also can I just say that Charlize Theron is at her best when she’s doing batshit. She plays Ravenna like Mavis from Young Adult, if Mavis was a Wiccan) Snow White is a badass warrior though, as opposed to a meek girl who whistles while she works, and manages to escape, into the horrible acid-trippy forest.

The Huntsman, played by Chris Hemsworth, oozing the alpha male hunk appeal he does sooo well, is commissioned to find Snow White and bring her alive to the Queen. He finds her almost instantly, but something about her causes him to question what the hell is going on and she insists that whatever the case, the Queen is lying to him and will kill them both. As he’s a drunkard who’s down on his luck, he trusts the dirty runaway more than the creepy upper-crust siblings. The two escape, and become reluctant partners, as opposed to the fairy tale, where the Huntsman falls madly in love with Snow White, cannot bear to kill her, and brings a boar’s heart and lungs to the queen, and we never hear from him again.

Queen (Snow White)

Queen (Snow White) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The rest of the film follows this pair on a journey through the forest, trying to get to her childhood friend’s father’s castle (mouthful). Encountering adventures along the way, they eventually meet up with the seven dwarves. Here, however, they are travel companions – she does not become their cleaning beyotch. I was surprised to see the dwarves weren’t really dwarves at all, they became small by CGI and camera tricks. At first glance, I thought, “wow, that guy looks like Ian McShane, but obviously he’s not..” After a few moments I realized, it WAS McShane, along with Nick Frost, Bob Hoskins, Toby Jones, and a few other men, turned into dwarves by the wonders of technology. I imagine this cost a pretty penny, to pay recognizable actors along with the expense of the CGI, when they could have just hired actual little people. However, after reading the recent interview with Peter Dinklage in Rolling Stone, he expressed that it’s slightly dehumanizing to be cast as a fantastical dwarf in stories like this, so maybe it’s a good thing?

But Snow White is about beauty, and this version’s got it in spades. Kristen Stewart has never looked more beautiful. I was in awe, literally. She somehow found it within herself to drop the twitching/gasping/lip-biting/fidgeting that she assaults us with as the wretched Bella, and became a lovely, magical, stunning heroine. I am obsessed with finding out what they used to make her lips look naturally blood-red. Ravenna is gorgeous villainy – amazing smoky eyes, elaborate, decadent gowns. The magnificent sets, costumes, effects, and makeup were all just a part of the reason why I enjoyed this flick – gothic castles, massive landscapes reminiscent of Lord of the Rings, and a sparkling, magical pixie/fairyland are all splendid eye-candy.

My minor complaints are the length (WHY does every movie think it’s allowed to be over two hours?!?! WHY.), and a sort of lag in the middle. The journey through the forest really does feel drawn out, even as it’s advancing the plot. My major complaint is the way Snow White defeats Ravenna (did you honestly think evil would prevail?) – it was VERY anti-climactic. All that build up should have given us a little something special. And lastly, the lack of humor. Overall, the tone is really dark, which is fine, but there are some mild attempts at humor that fall flat, as it’s mostly the dwarves uttering nonsense, and they mumble so much I found it difficult to understand what they were actually saying.

Overall, it’s a gorgeous way to spend a couple of hours, albeit a dark and gloomy one. I haven’t seen this year’s other Snow White re-imagining, Mirror, Mirror, so I cannot compare them. All I know is Hemsworth, Stewart, and Theron are a pleasure to watch (and stare at, with jealousy and/or longing).


A Sorta Fairtyale With You (Gag)

*PROCEED WITH CAUTION:  Spoilers and brazenly subjective opinions abound*

“The Twilight Saga” is one of my least favorite things in the world.  (Might wanna quit

Director Chris Weitz (left), actress Kristen S...

reading if you don’t want to hear a hater’s biased opinion)  So why have I read all four books, and gone to see each film, you ask?  Because I despise uninformed opinions.  They irritate the shit out of me.  IF I’m going to hate or love something, I want to at least know what I’m talking about.  So, I feel that my hatred is validated, due to the fact that I’ve read all four plodding, terribly written, pathetic wet-dreams-of-teenage-girls stories.

I’ll admit there is much I forget from the books (probably blocked out on purpose, a sort of self-defense mechanism), but from the little I do remember, this stays fairly faithful to the first third of the source material.  I’ve always been jealous of how the Twilight films are so true to the books, but when you ponder how UNcomplex the story is, it’s not hard to understand why.

When I first heard this book would be split into two films, my immediate reaction was, “How is this even possible?  What’s the first movie going to be???  A marriage, honeymoon, and baby?”  I got my answer, which is a resounding YES.  The entire two hours are spent displaying some mild wedding planning, said wedding, the honeymoon, worrying about having sex, having sex, worrying about having more sex, getting preggers, and then having a baby.  This is fairy-tale pornography in its purest form:  What impressionable teenage girls fantasize will happen to them, until they grow up and learn that there are no Edward Cullens in the world.  (Thank god)  If it was physiologically possible, my eyes would have rolled out of right out of my head.

Cover of "Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edit...

Cover of Twilight (Two-Disc Special Edition)

Bill Condon (Kinsey, Dreamgirls, Chicago – how the hell they convinced him to helm this, I’ll never know) directed, and while he tries his damndest, there’s not much you can do when you’re making a film that’s about nothing except a several-month period of teenage weddings, sex and babies.  The look of the film is mostly lush and silky, with the exception of the god-awful wolves.  I’ll NEVER understand why, in the day and age of fucking Avatar, one of the most successful franchises of all times has CARTOONISH WOLVES.  Gah.  The acting is terrible here, and I really think that’s saying something.  This gang is always hamming it up, but here it’s worse than usual.  What’s funny is, I don’t even think Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattinson are bad actors, but as Bella & Edward, they just suck (haha, pun intended).  Watching Stewart pretend to almost have to throw up as she’s walking down the aisle (until she lays eyes on her beloved, of course, making ME want to throw up for her), or pretend to be scared to have sex, or pretend to HAVE SEX, just all of it – the gasping, the mouth biting, the twitchy eyes, it’s painful.  Pattinson lays on the valiant, and while he is less psychotically controlling here (a mild blessing) he’s no less annoying.  I find the rest of the Cullens to be horrifying actors; my high school drama club displayed better talent.  I can barely stand to even type the words “Kellan Lutz” or “Jackson Rathbone.”

The things most people are looking forward to here are the Big Sex Scene and the Big Birth Scene.  Regarding the sex: what you see on the commercial is basically exactly what you see in the theater.  A bed shaking, some kissing, some feathers.  It wasn’t sexy, or special, or even romantic, in my spiteful opinion.  Regarding the birth of “Reneesmee” (one of the WORST NAMES EVER TO GRACE HUMANITY):  I was actually looking forward to this, because it was nuts to think that this baby ripped itself out of her stomach, with daddy’s help.  It was mostly shown in brief flashes of screaming, blood, and blackness.  Meh.  They did succeed in making Stewart truly look like death warmed over for her pregnancy and delivery, which made my cruel heart happy.

I was also interested to see what this magical baby would look like, and when you finally get to see her face, she’s mostly computer-generated, which is fitting, seeing as how she was described as having adult beauty on a child/baby’s form, which is disturbing as all fucking hell.  Stephanie Meyer should have a special little spot in hell for coming up with that concept.  Along with “imprinting.”  (Shudder)  Nice to see that gem portrayed as like, finding Jesus.  So, so, so, astoundingly creepy.

Unsurprisingly, the soundtrack was great.  This franchise has no trouble landing fantastic indie/acoustic/yearning/moody acts to give it that appropriate angst-y sound.  This dreamy beaut is ranking up a high play-count in my iTunes.

My problem with the entire “Twilight Saga” is that it is simply, and wholly, a love story.  Now I’m not saying there’s something wrong with love stories (I hope I’m not that bitter and angry inside) – I think films like 500 Days of Summer, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and even Bridget Jones’s Diary are fantastic, because they have something to say ABOUT love.  Twilight has nothing to say.  It’s a love story, with zero message.  It’s like, See Spot Run.  See Boy and Girl Become Obsessed With Each Other.  I have no hope for future generations of mankind.